Do you have a partner, a colleague, a friend, a loved one where everything is a challenge and every conversation becomes a competition; where if they don’t get their way, there is hell to pay; where they are relentless in their pursuit; where somehow or other they are always right; where if they lose, someone else is always to blame? Then that person may have a High Conflict Personality (HCP). They may be a High Conflict Person (HCP)
Coined by Bill Eddy in 2003, Bill is an American with degrees in law and social work. Bill realized that the standard personality diagnosis available in the Diagnostic and Statistic’s Manual didn’t convey some common features of this personality disposition. Although not an actually recognized diagnosis as per the manual on psychiatric disorders, the High Conflict Personality resonates loud and clear for those working in the field of human relationships, be those relationships be between intimate couples, separated couples, employees or employees and employers or managers.
Bill Eddy identifies the main features of the HCP as including;
1) All or none thinking;
2) Unmanaged emotions;
3) Extreme behaviors;
4) Blaming others.
All or none thinking is also referred to as dichotomous thinking, where the persons sees things as either night or day, good or bad. Everything is divided very simply in two, with one part seen as favorable and the other part seen as unfavorable. There is no gray area in this person’s thinking. You are either for me and my way of doing things or wanting what I want or… not. There is no real room for compromise, middle or creative solutions where both sides may come away satisfied. And whoa-be-tied if this person isn’t satisfied because then you will see unmanaged emotions.
Those unmanaged emotions typically come across as hostility, anger, bitterness and resentment. They are expressed clearly and often loudly. You will always know when an HCP is unsatisfied with an outcome and so will everyone around the person.
As for extreme behaviors, these are not just persons who vent their discontent, they seek to discharge their discontent overtly. These are the persons who will try to “out” you as somehow inferior, wrong or bad; let others know their view of you; try to influence others to their side and their projection of you as a terrible person. These are the people who will file complaints and if unsatisfied with the outcome of the complaint, may escalate the matter further by then complaining about the complaint process and those involved. They may suggest conspiracy theories and continue to seek to bring others to their way of thinking and seeing themselves as the victim.
The HCP lacks insight and cannot reflect upon themselves and their ownbehavior to appreciate their contribution to distress As a result, they externalize their upset by projecting blame on others. In Bill Eddy terms, they seek a target of blame.
Like a laser guided missile or a junk yard dog on a bone, they will zero in and not let go. They seek to not just hold their target of blame somehow accountable for misfortune originating with themselves, but to annihilate the person who they see as thwarting their objective. This is consistent with their all or none thinking. There can be no good in the person they are seeking to annihilate. Their target of blame is all bad and nothing that person has ever done could be good. Their solutions require their target of blame to not only lose with regard to the matter of dispute, but to lose everything either personally or professionally.
There are different degrees of HCP, but the underlying features remain. Toadd, each HCP will possess a different level of sophistication. As such, some people with HCP will be easily seen as the source of the problem, despite their complaints and projections. These are the persons whosebehavior may be so extreme as to create trouble with the law or whose lies are so self-evident that other people can quickly see through them, or whose claims are so outrageous so as not to make sense on face value.
Then there are the ones who are more sophisticated, who are able to keep their behavior on the lawful side of the line, who may use more institutional structures to act out their discontent. These are the persons who will take to the Internet to post anonymous complaints and diatribes; who will make countless complaints to review boards; who will seek to undermine ones position or profession; who will continually seek to take things to courts at any level. These people can distort the truth and make their false claims appear plausible. These are the persons who are adept at lawful harassment and indeed may be more dangerous as a result.
Bill Eddy advises of a number of approaches to working with people High Conflict Personalities. One approach regards how to reply or respond to the diatribes and lengthy emails, texts and voice messages often associated with these persons. Bill speaks of BIFF – Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The challenge is to not be inducted or defensive with regard to every point and issue raised by this person, but to stay true to the kernel of the issue at hand and only address that issue and to do so reasonably, clearly and with a friendly tone.
If you get hung up on the quantum of time, you may lose sight of the quality of your relationship now and for the future.
At the end of the day some separated parents fight tooth and nail over how the children’s time will be divvied up between them. Children are even drawn into the dispute, feeling a need to fight on a parent’s behalf. Parents whose children who are drawn into the dispute may find their children suffering emotionally and even academically. If emotionally, the parent may not even be aware as the child may seek to protect the parent from their upset.
As the child ages into adolescence and then adulthood, that same child may then come to resent having been embroiled in the parental conflict. In truth, many parents undermine their future adult relationship with their children the result of these issues at this earlier stage of life.
The challenge is to not count the minutes, but have a relationship your child can count on. Being there with your child not only in body, but in mind and spirit is the best gift a parent can provide a child and a gift that can better ensure a lifelong relationship, one that extends into adulthood.
In the hear and now, consider how your child’s experience of life will dispose them to spending time with you once they truly can make decisions on their own. Consider that how you act now can determine whether or not your son or daughter would want you to bounce their child, your grandchild, on your knee.
Those parents who can keep in mind the end game, a life-long relationship with their adult children may fair better with less time during childhood. This applies equally to both parents.
If you are a parent who is practicing restrictive gate-keeping, limiting the other parent’s time with the children, bear in mind there will come a time where that child will have the independence to seek their own relationship with either parent. Be cautious about not setting up the conditions for a boomerang effect where restrictive gate-keeping today compels your child to reject you in favor of the other parent tomorrow.
If you are the parent pushing for time beyond the comfort of the other parent, bear in mind that as your child ages, you may be viewed as creating ongoing conflict and hardship, real or not. This too can impact on your adult relationship with your children when they are of an ages to make independent decisions.
Parent do not have to find balance or equity in the residential arrangement of their children. They may have to address concerns of the other to facilitate greater flexibility and a closer approximation to a preferred outcome, without necessarily either achieving their desired outcome. In other words, be prepared for self-examination and addressing issues of concern regarding yourself. After that, concentrate on your own relationship with your children and let your children enjoy you in that relationship. Let the quality of that relationship then follow you to adulthood where you may continue to enjoy each other.
How’s this for the good life? You’re rich, and you made the dough yourself. You’re well into your 80s, and have spent hardly a day in the hospital. Your wife had a cancer scare, but she’s recovered and by your side, just as she’s been for more than 60 years. Asked to rate the marriage on a scale of 1 to 9, where 1 is perfectly miserable and 9 is perfectly happy, you circle the highest number. You’ve got two good kids, grandkids too. A survey asks you: “If you had your life to live over again, what problem, if any, would you have sought help for and to whom would you have gone?” “Probably I am fooling myself,” you write, “but I don’t think I would want to change anything.” If only we could take what you’ve done, reduce it to a set of rules, and apply it systematically.
You literally fell down drunk and died. Not quite what the study had in mind.
Last fall, I spent about a month in the file room of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, hoping to learn the secrets of the good life. The project is one of the longest-running—and probably the most exhaustive—longitudinal studies of mental and physical well-being in history. Begun in 1937 as a study of healthy, well-adjusted Harvard sophomores (all male), it has followed its subjects for more than 70 years.
Ben Bradlee: “I Haven’t Been Unhappy in My Life”
The famed editor reflects on his education, career, and experiences as a member of the Grant Study.
Donald Cole: “I Have Always Thought Adaptation Was a Wonderful Thing.”
A historian and prep school teacher reflects on his life and how it has been affected by his participation in the study.
From their days of bull sessions in Cambridge to their active duty in World War II, through marriages and divorces, professional advancement and collapse—and now well into retirement—the men have submitted to regular medical exams, taken psychological tests, returned questionnaires, and sat for interviews. The files holding the data are as thick as unabridged dictionaries. They sit in a wall of locked cabinets in an office suite behind Fenway Park in Boston, in a plain room with beige carpeting and fluorescent lights that is littered with the detritus of many decades of social-scientific inquiry: a pile of enormous spreadsheet data books; a 1970s-era typewriter; a Macintosh PowerBook, circa 1993. All that’s missing are the IBM punch cards used to analyze the data in the early days.
For 42 years, the psychiatrist George Vaillant has been the chief curator of these lives, the chief investigator of their experiences, and the chief analyst of their lessons. His own life has been so woven into the study—and the study has become such a creature of his mind—that neither can be understood without the other. As Vaillant nears retirement (he’s now 74), and the study survivors approach death—the roughly half still living are in their late 80s—it’s a good time to examine both, and to do so, I was granted unprecedented access to case files ordinarily restricted to researchers.
As a young man, Vaillant fell in love with the longitudinal method of research, which tracks relatively small samples over long periods of time (as in Michael Apted’s Seven Up! documentaries). In 1961, as a psychiatric resident at the Massachusetts Mental Health Center, Vaillant found himself intrigued by two patients with manic depression who had 25 years earlier been diagnosed as incurable schizophrenics. Vaillant asked around for other cases of remitted schizophrenia and pulled their charts. “These records hadn’t been assembled to do research,” Vaillant told me recently, “but it was contemporary, real-time information, with none of the errors you get from memory or the distortions you get when you narrate history from the vantage of the present.” In 1967, after similar work following up on heroin addicts, he discovered the Harvard Study, and his jaw dropped. “To be able to study lives in such depth, over so many decades,” he said, “it was like looking through the Mount Palomar telescope,” then the most powerful in the world. Soon after he began to work with the material, he found himself talking about the project to his psychoanalyst. Showing him the key that opened the study cabinets, Vaillant said, “I have the key to Fort Knox.”
Your behavior, how you conduct yourself at the negotiating table can work for you or against you.
Remember, this is a negotiating table, not a court of law or arbitrator’s office. In negotiating, there is little to prove and all to negotiate.
Negotiation is about how to move forward, not prove who necessarily did what. The service provider is there to help you both reach a resolution between yourselves.
Service providers are not there to take sides although some may express opinions or offer information to facilitate your negotiation. You certainly can raise contentious issues. It doesn’t mean the other side has to agree to one’s point of view. Interestingly though, plans can often be put in place to mitigate concerns without either ever having to admit anything. If there are allegations of untoward behavior, without admitting culpability, plans may still be available to move forward and to have contingencies in the event someone engages in untoward behavior.
However, if a parent really needs to prove something in order to move forward then negotiations can break down. If a parent is looking for validation, a confession or closure, then too negotiations can break down. If a parent continually seeks to induct the service provider into their view of the other parent and towards support of their position, then too, negotiations can break down. Keep in mind, the goal of negotiation is a settlement or resolution – an agreement on how to co-parent moving forward.
It is not uncommon for parents to hear things from the other that trigger emotions. When triggered, it can be a challenge to; mind one’s own behavior; let the other person finish; maintain one’s emotional composure; respond in a civil or composed manner.
Indeed some persons, knowing their former partner’s triggers, may intentionally provoke to undermine the other person’s self-confidence and stability while at the negotiating table. Some provocation can be overt and readily observable, such as shouting, name calling, scowls or other gestures. Other provocations can be subtle and not readily observable such as use of particular words; gestures not visible to the service provider; or calmly mentioned allegations to incite you.
While the service provider will do everything possible to manage behavior in the midst of a meeting, final control of one’s behavior continues to reside with oneself. If one or other person does not control their behavior with or without being triggered, then again, negotiations may fail.
Before getting to the negotiating table it may be constructive to speak with your lawyer or a divorce coach about your deportment in the process – how you will present and handle yourself. Your lawyer or a divorce coach can prepare and teach you skills to manage in the situation as well as help you understand and appreciate the goal of the negotiation process. While at the negotiating table, consider these tips to manage your own behavior:
1) Resist aggressive tone or behavior. This will reflect poorly upon you. You don’t want to inadvertently create bias in the mind of the service provider against yourself for your own behavior;
2) Resist blame, but do explain. Speak from a first person narrative. This means, do not call the other person names and do not provide your assessment of the other person. Rather, speak to your own point of view and experience. (e.g. – rather than saying the other person is abusive, say, “It’s my view that I was called names which upset me.” As a result, I would prefer for only written communication and no phone or voice-mail.)
3) Maintain your composure. While it is not uncommon for people to cry when upset, hurt and distressed, to do so in this context may reinforce a feeling of power in the other person. Alternately, crying can also be interpreted by the service provider as a means to gain sympathy and thus bias the service provider. Same goes for angry outbursts. Angry outbursts can provide a negative impression of yourself regardless of what you say about the other person.
4) Speak to and look at the service provider rather than the other parent. Staying focused on the service provider can help maintain composure. If one is looking at the other parent as a means to gain control and be subtly coercive, this too can form a negative impression in the mind of the service provider, so here too it is beneficial to look at the service provider.
5) Practice your breathing before and during the negotiation. It is not uncommon that under duress our breathing gets shallow. As we breathe deeper and more relaxed, then our demeanor follows.
Now, why would anyone put themselves through negotiation? The answer is because negotiated agreements tend to be better lasting and better followed than decision imposed by a court or arbitrator.
You finally recognize that your adversarial battle isn’t resolving your dispute. You’re draining your resources both financially and emotionally. You don’t believe your former partner would ever negotiate a truce, let alone a settlement. Mediation is discussed and one person says they’ll go but also says they won’t budge on their position. You may feel firm about your position too. What do you do?
There’s the often told story of two chefs fighting over a dozen lemons which they both need for their respective dishes that night. As their fight escalates throughout the kitchen, the dishwasher approaches to ask what they are fighting about. The dishwasher innocently asks each chef what they are making with the dozen lemons they each need.
The first chef explains that the rind from a dozen lemons is required for a special chicken dish. The second chef explains how the juice from a dozen lemons is needed for a lemon pie.
The solution is self evident. Had the two chefs explored their interests in the lemons, they would have know they could share and both get their needs met from a single dozen lemons.
Granted, that while the issues underlying your situation is likely for more complex, when underlying interests and concerns are addressed, solutions may emerge. Anger, animosity and hurt feelings make those conversations all the more difficult. The mediator however helps facilitate those discussions, just as the dishwasher had.
It is totally common that in the run up to mediation, people actually entrench themselves further in their positions. Persons are afraid about loss and lose sight of finding mutually satisfactory outcomes. In their fear of losing, bully tactics may emerge; people may even seek to bolster their position by bringing in others to support their cause.
Don’t let the run up to the negotiating table scare you. Find your way to the table. Only at the table can the potential of mediation unfold. Once there, and although no guarantees, the mediator, like that dishwasher may just help you find your joint solution.
In the context of separated parents fighting over their children, while the loss of lemons is pretty insignificant, the harm that may be imposed upon children by parental conflict can be very serious and life-long.
The challenge is to not get inducted in the fight on the way to the negotiating table. Just get there. Tips to resist the fight on the way to the negotiating table include:
1) Avoid engaging in banter or conflict once mediation has been agreed to;
2) Respond to demands by advising that issues raised can be addressed in mediation;
3) Manage your own emotions and/or behavior as effectively as possible;
4) Consider coaching to prepare yourself for the negotiating process.
While some people can keep things to themselves, there are others who are far more vocal when it comes to their life. It might then not matter what is taking place, as they will feel the need to tell other people.
Fortunately for them, they live in a time when this is probably easier than ever before to do. Through using social media, one will have a platform through which they can express themselves to the world.
There is then no need for them to keep anything to themselves, and this could fulfil a lot of their needs. It is then not just something they use from time to time; it is a big part of their life.
In The Middle
At the same time, there are going to be plenty of people who are happy to share certain parts of their life. They are then not going to be seen as show offs and are they not going to be seen as people who hold back either.
As a result of this, their page/s on social media is unlikely to reveal everything about them. Yet when they are around their close friends andfamily, for instance, they will soon open up.
During this time, one can talk about what they have done that day and/or over the weekend. This can then mean that they will be talking about the experiences they have had and they won’t mention anything else.
Their communication is then going to stay at one level and this could be due to a number of different reasons. Perhaps they are in an environment where it wouldn’t be right for them to take things to a deeper level.
If one was having a night out or if they were taking part in some kind ofexercise class, it would be normal for them to keep everything light. As if they are out having a few drinks, they will probably have the need to relax.
Yet if they are exercising, they won’t want to focus on something that may cause them to lose their concentration. But there is a strong chance that their interactions with others won’t always go in this direction.
When it comes to the moments they share with someone when other people are not around, they may start off on the surface and then take things deeper. Or they could simply take things to a deeper level straight away.
If this was to happen, it could be a sign that one of them is going through challenging time or that something significant has occurred. Everything that is taking place in one’s life or the others life can then fade into the background.
One might be going through a breakup or they may have just been promoted, for instance, and this is then likely to mean that they will have a lot going on emotionally. There can then be what has taken place and how they feel about what has taken place.
And moments such as these are likely to be what enable them to feel a deeper connection to others. When they talk about their day-to-day life and other people do the same thing, it is not going to have the same effect.
A Common Theme
Along with these two elements, there are also likely to be things that one talks about on a regular basis. The same could also be said for the people who they spend time with, and this can relate to number of different things.
If one is passionate about something, it is to be expected that they will want to spend a lot of time talking about it. There could be a number of different things that interest them and so it won’t be necessary for one to talk about the same thing all the time.
One could also have a number of different things they like to say about themselves when they are in the company of others. For example, one could say that they won’t put up with people who are abusive, or tolerate intolerant people.
There may be times when they say that they don’t care about what others think, and this could even be a common expression. The people around them could then believe what they say, or they might have their doubts.
These people could wonder why they always say this if they don’t care about what other people think of them. It is then going to be the same as when someone says they are not attracted to someone and yet they constantly talk about them.
What this can show is that one is experiencing inner conflict, and in order to distance themselves from what is taking place within them, they need to do things to keep this part of them at bay. Thus, the reason one says they don’t need other peoples approval is so people will give them approval.
It is a widely known fact that women, more often than not, hate (not dislike) their bodies. Many wives no longer allow their husbands to see them naked. A full 1/6 of women have not undressed in front of their husband in more than 365 days. Those that do, opt for sexual intercourse with the lights out, ensuring no eye-to-eye contact may be made, which damages relationship intimacy and self-perpetuates the cycle of poor body image; that is, once a woman starts down this path, the action and mindset are reinforced into habits.
In America, the rates of obesity are exploding in recent decades, while our professional models are being emaciated. From adolescence, girls are forced to witness the imposed (supposed) ideal of what a woman should look like. There is no longer a desire for a girl to wish to be in the like mother like daughter mindset. Instead, girls now look to women onmagazines and in other forms of media to compare themselves to. Instead of there being a realistic expectation of one’s shape, it has become distorted as a few select models and actresses have defined what the ideal form is.
Why is this so?
Our youth have become increasingly exposed to the media and the false ideal that is presented. Even knowing that the models and actresses are being retouched and Photoshopped does not prevent these images from creating a longing desire for conformity. All of the images have been doctored in a manner that redefines what beauty is and should be. One should stop to ask if the imposed standard is one that should be lived up to despite 100% of the images being doctored. Unfortunately, family and spouses can detrimentally affect a woman’s body image. The result is perpetual misery and strain on relationships. It is common for Hispanics to refer to a chubby child as Gordo/a, Spanish for fat. This can become a child’s moniker for life from their parent, siblings and close friends. Even though it is of cultural significance and not meant to necessarily hurt one’s feelings, it nevertheless has serious repercussions for the body image of the affected woman.
A husband may cause irreparable damage to a woman’s body image and the marriage by pressing her to lose weight. Men also give body languagethat reinforces the perception that they do not find their wife attractive. A husband may indicate that his wife should wear something different, due to how it displays her curves. He may also show dissatisfaction on his face when seeing her naked or even clothed. But it isn’t necessarily the negative verbal and non-verbal cues given. A woman that is attractive to her husband will receive much praise and licked-lip expressions. Removing the negative cues only focuses on half of the problem. The only way a wife will feel attractive to her mate is for him to give evidence, therein.
I don’t approach this subject only from a relationship perspective, but also one of concern for our society’s mental health and the implications it has on childbearing.
What can men do about it?
-Love her unconditionally.
You chose this woman out of all of the other women on the planet. As such, you should not love her despite her body; love her for her body. Cherish every inch of her body in appearance and touch.
-Give words of affirmation via pet names.
What do you call your wife? Do you call her honey? If so, consider replacing it or using it in conjunction with words that imply her attractiveness to you, such as: cutie, sexy, beautiful.
-Accept her negative self-image
The best way to accept her is to show her that it is utterly inconsequential. When she indicates that she does not like something about herself, be completely surprised or confused. With verbal and (mainly) non-verbal cues, you will show her how silly it is that she does not share your view of her beautiful body. You are reacting as if it is one of the craziest things you have ever heard. In awe that the view of perfection you have is not shared.
-When she mentions a bodily dislike:
1. Tilt your head to one side
2. Raise one eyebrow
3. Say “hrmm, really?”
4. Shrug your shoulders
What can women do about it?
-Focus your attention on the positive.
By focusing your attention, you inherently quiet the mind. With positivity in your crosshairs, the perception is shifted, which outweighs the negative thoughts circling inside of your mind. I want you to fully appreciate all of the beauty that you do see. The more this exercise is performed, the more you see beauty elsewhere.
-Define what the ideal image really is
With a piece of paper, define what the ideal image really is. Draw what the perfect nose should be. Draw the perfect butt. Draw the correct stomach shape. Draw the correct size and angle of the thighs. Then find that person that exists. Most likely, you will utterly fail at even coming up with all of these images of perfection, even if you have some reasonable level of artistic talent. Whatever you have come up with, attempt to find the real person that has these body characteristics. Good luck! This will show you how ridiculous the standards of beauty have become. What sense does it make to limit self-happiness to the less than 1% of women who actually have SOME of these characteristics? Why is the happy body the rare and computerized body?
Happiness does not depend on whether or not you can eat healthier or go to the gym more often. Realize that the only reason you are unhappy is because of the internal belief that you should not accept your body for what it is. If you were given a steak, would you not want to season it and cook it to your best ability so as to most enjoy it? If you were given a body, would you not want to love and appreciate it so that YOU could enjoy your life? Explain to yourself why exactly you do not deservehappiness with your body.
Set an achievable goal for your body, not the image. Do not set criteria that you must look like so and so or weigh so much. Do what individuals do that have positive self-images. They eat healthy and exercise. That is your goal and criteria for happiness, the actual effort. Diets fail because they are unsustainable. So, create a sustainable goal for your body that maximizes successful commitment to the effort.
True love is something when two people love each other so much that their greatest joy in life comes from trying to make each other happy more importantly in any given situation good or bad. That’s the definition of true love as far as I m concerned.
You love your partner so much that you just don’t have anytime left to think about yourself. What I mean is you become so selfless that you derive your happiness in trying to make your partner happy.
Imagine if you receive the same love in return from your partner how satisfying it would feel – isn’t it? Two people trying their best to make each other happy at the same time, that’s the “secret sauce” for true love. It means you don’t need to look out for your own interests because the other person is busy doing that for you. But you need to create that secret sauce and trust me this book is the right solution.
One Key Tiny Secret You Must Know To Change Your Life With Man..
Do you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to other people, especially women? Believe me its not your fault, its just he is not understanding your emotions which makes you feel what that other woman have that you don’t. Trust me you just need to understand that secret sauce what men want in a women he loves, what men find attractive.
It’s up to you to realize and understand whether you want to solve your problems or continue to procrastinate and keep repeating the same things that you have been doing for so long without getting any success in your relationship with men, which makes no sense as far as I am concerned.
It is just one little secret a simple psychological technique that all of us can use, it’s already inside us but the only thing is we cannot find it. All you need is to understand your man’s most craving desires without him telling you.
This little secret is so influential that it can do wonders if you follow it with all your heart, mind and soul. Note that this book is not for procrastinators it is for decision makers and not day dreamers.
Men equate respect with love, without respect they don’t feel loved… But creating right balance between love and respect is a mystery that you must know
Remember your beliefs has the power to chain you with shackles or set you free. The beliefs you choose can have either effect on your life.
If you believe that men are frustrating and do not respond the way you want them to, that will become a limiting belief and a self-fulfilling prophecy in your life. Your Mentality will push you to live in a way that makes that belief your reality.
I want You to Read This Simple Example
Imagine a man and woman, cuddled close on a cold night in a rickety old cabin. The cabin has many flaws. One is that it leaks heat during the night, bringing a chill into the air.
Now you can solve this problem by patching up the cracks. Or you can solve this problem by maintaining a roaring fire in the small room where you both sleep.
You will achieve the same results with both the solutions
Same holds true for your relationship too, It’s okay if your relationship has a few cracks in the seams as long as you feed the fire to maintain the warmth and that’s what men want in a women and believe me once you learn to give, he will give you the same in return.
When it comes to relationship, Most couple think they need to fix and solve all the problems in a relationship. They feel reluctant to be their warmest, most loving self while there are small problems to be dealt with. But sometimes it’s best to turn up the heat instead of trying to patch up little problems.
Is there any way to determine if a relationship is going to work? First, a relationship is not a machine in which the laws of physics determine proper operation. We have to accept (which term as rich) that there is no magic wand that guarantees the success on loving relationships. As in so many things and aspects of our lives, effort and social learning, in the broadest sense, and education that we have received from our parents (in most cases) by transmitting healthy values are the elements that will enable us to work in the exciting journey of our everyday caring relationship.
While there are no written rules to ensure a healthy love mode “if you do this, now that,” however they do exist a number of verbs that can guide us in a very good direction to the goal of a healthy relationship and satisfactory: respect, compromise, communicate and share.
Is very well speak of respect for your partner. It’s very good. But you respect yourself / a? Do you still respect your weaknesses and limitations? Do you respect your values and beliefs? Do you respect because you’re a person? Do you recognize yourself as someone unique and unrepeatable and therefore endowed with full dignity? Only from a total respect for oneself, the person is able to respect others . Respect the other, our partner, is to accept (another once, with all his wealth) that there are individual differences in ideas, tastes, ways of doing and even certain ways of understanding certain aspects of life. And sometimes the way I see a situation does not have to match the shape with the contemplated my partner.No I have to agree with the arguments of the other to respect what he says or thinks . Moreover, I can be convinced of his mistake or limited success.
Is the lack of an active listening which prevents me access to his argument or his emotional world, staying on my side of the shore.From this we will talk a little later, when dealing with the indispensable task in communication that demands the couple. Respect also means accepting partner in his person, with the elements that characterize his personality. “It’s not like it that way.” Voucher. Phenomenal. But your partner change or modify something you do not like it is up to her. After reflection and personal work. But it is a decision. This does not mean that you can not communicate like this or that, but always on the principle that even with this, it is fully valued and respected as a person. At this point you may be thinking that life couple different aspects of each other’s personality that seriously hamper the relationship may be present. And it is true. Maybe it’s a matter of frequency and degree. If this is the case of some people you know, ask, “If what separates them is stronger than what unites them.” They think.
Respect also has to do with education in treatment and good manners. No good, I repeat, does not serve the “where trust is disgusting”, because if that is the usual way to proceed with the other, no doubt: end up giving disgust. A few days ago, working with one of my patients, serious problems with your partner, argued that the relationship with her husband was very unsatisfactory. Shouting, verbal fights, insults. “It is that we are so very impulsive, but we passed quickly and soon like that. We are like the champagne that we will force through the mouth. We do not give importance to these things. The problem is not there. ” I argued that as discover where was the problem, but without a doubt, she was sitting across from me at the time was, among other things, because the lack of respect between them fed “the problem” day after day . If you know someone who despises his partner who interrupts speech, that ridicules alone or in front of others or makes him see that not taken seriously, that is, that does not respect him … tell him think.
According to the dictionary of the Royal Academy of the Spanish Language, we understand compromise, “partly agree with what is believed not fair, reasonable or true, in order to eliminate a difference.” But often “what is believed fair” begins and ends in my view … and what not to say “reasonable” and “truth”. One thing is what I think is reasonable, from me, and another thing is what the other says or thinks is reasonable, since yours. At least, it would be very healthy to contemplate the possibility that the other has his partly right, since this posture necessarily lead us to dialogue . A second dictionary definition brings is “adjust some doubtful or disputed point, the parties voluntarily agreeing on any media to compose or split the difference of the dispute”. Come negotiation. And in any negotiation something is gained and something is lost. It’s about (again) acceptance. The same, perhaps to meet a relative or acquaintance who has trouble compromise. Suggest that think why.
Perhaps this is the key to a satisfying and fulfilling relationship. Because talking, talking all, some more and some less. But a healthy and communicate effectively is another matter. And I do not mean to be technical experts to speak in public or to possess expertise in oratory.Because communication goes far beyond the issue of more or less intelligible sounds and a mere natural hearing process there of. Communicate with the other it is to get to the other … and the other comes to me. It is to practice what is called active listening . I suggest you read carefully few lines in which Susanna Tamaro, where the heart will take illustrates how precarious communication severely affects the relationship of the couple. “Returning to his room , Augusto soon began to behave like a man of his land. During meals we kept almost silent, when I struggled to tell me something answered yes or no, in monosyllables “… I had the feeling that, above all, what Augusto wanted was to find someone at home when eat, someone to proudly display in the cathedral on Sundays; It did not seem much interested in the person who was behind that comforting image. ” There is more that even very briefly, and knowing that this already know very well, we comment what is active listening. Listening is not “waiting for the other to finish speaking” (while I prepare my speech). Listening is not waiting for the light to turn green. This is liable to be a good citizen, but this is not listening. Listening is not hearing. Hearing is a natural process, pure physiology anvil, hammer and snail.
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Listening is a matter of personal readiness for the meeting, it is a matter of attitude. To recognize that “you are important to me” . Listening is not just a matter of good will. Not alone. Because you learn to listen. Therefore, goodwill is necessary, but not sufficient for quality listening. Again, all this already know and also what you have already integrated into your own life. You know very well that listening is mostly welcome. But it may be that people around you have no clear concept of what it really means to listen. Invite them to think that.
I confess that I have never liked me that of “better halves”. Given the choice, I prefer the whole piece and, if applicable, a good salad. But not half. To share it is necessary that the person is complete. To share a set of core values for the couple, it must be recognized that both complete. Because, otherwise, we can get into the terrible and frustrating game of emotional dependencies. Unit comes from the Latin will depend, meaning hang, hang. If I think you have-you than me, then your duty is to me-I love me everything I need to live. So I hang you. And possibly end up drowning. And surely end up feeling nothing. I am reminded of a great story that refers precisely what is left on the road when the unit is accepted as an option for the relationship. It is entitled only by love , by Jorge Bucay collected in Tales to think . If you have opportunity, read it. Share time. Sure, it seems obvious. Time. However, it seems that people do not have it so clear when it comes to taking care of our relationship.We work during the week to address the multiple expenses (mortgage, car, leisure …) that no longer eat together, or we walk together, or dedicárnoslo have time for each other; we are just a bit at night while they slumber on the couch watching television. And come the weekend and who knows football or Formula One. Or the tendency to go out with friends to all sites. Not that growing friendship with others is negative for the couple, because it is not. Rather I say that is very positive. What I mean is the “per system”, as this would indicate a relationship model prone to emotional or avoidant isolation. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I sense a slight smile on any of you with that sofa. Let’s stay with the idea (and perhaps for the purpose) that the couple needs to share time. But time to strengthen and develop the relationship. Someone said-well, by the way that “time by itself, only makes us old.” The important thing is what makes the pair with their time.
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Share time is crucial for our marriage, so that our relationship has a chance to participate in many other things as privacy, projects, education of children, logistics and many other household task, all potentially healthy to favor a healthy love and lasting relationships . Sure you know all this. I say if you know someone who…
Divorces are never easy, and can get messy. You should make every effort to avoid this unfortunate event, which occurs for 40 to 50 percent of U.S. marriages.1 But if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it may be time for a change.
Whatever reasons you have for filing for divorce, it is a decision that should be made independent of emotion. Divorce decisions should only be made after you weighed all your options and are prepared to fight for your assets and custody of your children.
Every situation is different, but we’ve broken down the four essential questions you must ask yourself before proceeding with a divorce filing. As with any major life decision, a little thought and preparation can make a tremendous difference down the road.
Is divorce your best resolution? If the current state of your marriage is non-violent but making you unhappy, you should seek professional help to determine whether you are going through a rough patch or whether ending your marriage is the only way to move forward. If personal issues are affecting your marriage, you may end up finding the same issues in future relationships if you do not address the root of your unhappiness. Consider these steps to repair your relationship before seeking a divorce.
- Identify main conflict points: There is no perfect marriage. However, as psychologists suggest, there are things you can do to improve your relationship. A recent study concluded stress can cause even the strongest marriages to crumble.2 If stress is a conflict point in your marriage, counseling can be a valuable tool to help. Whether it’s stress or financial concerns, by identifying the main conflict points in your marriage you may be able to tackle these issues and resolve your marital problems before resorting to divorce.
- Seek outside guidance: If you struggle to communicate and remove emotion from your marital conflicts, you may benefit from bringing in a third party to help. Whether you choose a therapist, counselor, Pastor, Rabbi, Imam, or anyone else, a respected outside voice to facilitate communication with your spouse can make a tremendous difference, and may help repair your relationship.
- Try to improve communication: Communication is essential to any strong relationship, but not just any small talk will suffice. Meaningful conversations, where couples continue to get to know one another, is the kind of communication that will make a relationship last. Many couples complain that after a few years the conversation is centered around to work, chores, and the children, as opposed to when they first got together and it involved more varied and interesting topics. Psychologists suggest that the solution to resorting to the mundane in relationships can be remedied with novelty,2 variety, and surprise. You may find that improving your communication may increase your happiness.
- Is this a phase, or an unsolvable difference? Whether you went to counseling together or sought counseling on your own, you will want to determine whether your marriage is salvageable or if your conflicts can only be fixed through a divorce. If after trying to work out your marital problems there is no solution but divorce, you must prepare yourself for the next steps and be as informed as possible. Surround yourself with a network of support and seek legal advice before any major decision. Next, you will want to determine whether to stay in or move out of your marital home.
If you’ve decided you want a divorce, your decision to leave or stay in your home can have serious implications. The safety of you and your children is most important, but if you’re not in any immediate danger, you should speak with an attorney before leaving your home, as it could affect your custody hearing. However, if you are in an abusive relationship you must take the necessary steps to remove yourself (and your children) from danger. The American Bar Association reports that Divorces often bring on an increase in such violence – 50 percent of serious assaults occur at or after the point of separation.3
- Are you in a victim of domestic violence?: Domestic abuse is different in every relationship but is never acceptable, nor something anyone should have to endure. There are some warnings and red flags which the National Domestic Violence Hotline identifies to help you determine whether or not you are in an abusive relationship.4 If you are a victim of domestic abuse, the law is on your side, and there are many resources to help you.
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: The National Hotline can help you find a path to safety. The number for the hotline is 1-800-799-7233.5
- File a restraining order: You may want to consider a restraining order or asking a judge to order the abusive spouse to move out. However, keep in mind that a restraining order may be limited in scope. If you chose to leave and take your children you should consult a lawyer to obtain a court order for custody. Otherwise, kidnapping accusations may arise.
- Consult an attorney to discuss the domestic abuse: The attorney you consult should address the following questions to determine your best course of action.6 Take the time to provide honest and detailed responses.
- Are you ever frightened of your spouse?
- Do you feel safe at home?
- Does your spouse throw objects?
- Are you allowed to spend time with family members and friends?
- Do you have access to spending money?
- Moving out in non-violent relationships: Moving out of your home without talking to an attorney could hurt your custody claim, as it could be viewed as abandonment. In some states, you may be considered “at fault” for the divorce.7 You also may be unable to return to your home until property is divided. In my experience, I have known couples that stayed together in their home during the divorce for the sake of their children or because of financial concerns. However, this does not work for everyone and is only advisable where domestic violence is not an issue.